The 1-2-3 Warning

The 1-2-3 warning is a handy strategy for parents in the early childhood years.  Toddlers are on their own time, and sometimes we adults can't always wait until they are ready. There are times when we have to do something "now."  This is especially true of those times you need to get children into the car for daycare,  preschool, or a family event.

Toddlers hate to stop what they are doing and want to be in control of themselves. By plucking a child away from something interesting without warning, a major outburst might erupt. Transitions are more difficult for some children then others, so a warning of sorts is helpful.

I started using the 1-2-3 warning with Little M when he was about 18 months old because he was never in a rush to have his poopy diapers changed. Whenever I suggested it was time for a change, M would stare at me blankly or inch further away. Not wanting to force my will on him, I announced that I would count to three, and it would be time to change his diaper.  I told him that he could walk with me or I would help him by picking him up and carrying him.  The 1-2-3 warning served a few purposes: 

1.  It got his attention
2.  It let him know that a transition would soon occur
3.  It offered him a choice of two actions

So, this is how it went:

"It's time to change your diaper M."

Blank stare

"Okay, Nan's going to count to three and then it will be time to change your diaper.  One, two, three.  It's time!  Would you like to walk with me (reaching out my hand) or do you need me to pick you up and help you?"

Blank stare

"Okay, I'll help you." (as I picked him up and carried him off)




The first few times M was NOT HAPPY to leave his toys, but soon the 1-2-3 warning worked its magic. It signals a predictable routine, which children really thrive on.  It also preserved his dignity and helped control his emotions by offering him a choice of two actions. I wasn't just picking him up out of the blue without warning.

The 1-2-3 warning has been extended to our playground outings, which can be prime tantrum time. Toddlers hate to leave all the fun, even if they are almost dropping from exhaustion.  After my usual warning that it will soon be time to get in the car and head home for a rest, I begin the 1-2-3 warning and countdown.  Usually M just stands there while I pick him up with no fuss. Sometimes he surprises me by reaching for my hand to walk with me.

Even though I started the 1-2-3 warning before M could fully grasp the concept, it was the beginning of a new routine that will carry him and his parents through many years. I was still using the 1-2-3 warning when my own daughter was 11 years old!  The consequence/choice changes (obviously no more picking the child up), but it works just as well as a motivator for older children to start their homework or clean up their bedrooms as it does for small children.

Anyone else have success with this or other warning strategies?




Photo Credit:  istock photos 

Tantrums Revisited at BAM! Radio

Recently I was contacted to participate in a round table discussion on the subject of tantrums for BAM! Radio (that's me in the bottom right photo above). I had never heard of BAM! before, but found that it offers a tremendous amount of information for parents, childcare providers, and teachers on early childhood topics.

My post here at New England Nanny on temper tantrums was targeted at parents of toddler children, while the round table discussion was geared more towards handling tantrums in a classroom of preschool and older children. It sure was intimidating to be on the panel with two accomplished experts; both doctors (one Ph.D and one M.D.) and authors, however, both offered interesting new research and information on how to better manage tantrums.

I love to learn new information by reading, but for others who may prefer information presented in an audio format, you might want to check out the many topics and expert advice offered there. Below is not only a link to BAM! Radio, but to the page of the tantrum discussion:


Dealing with Temper Tantrums in the Classroom

Do We Really Want to Tame Temper Tantrums?

Articles abound with magical solutions to avoid temper tantrums. Yes, they are uncomfortable for all involved, but some tantrums are a necessary part of a young child's life.

Temper tantrums arise when children begin to have their own desires and feelings and are able to act upon them. Frustration and anger are very new and powerful emotions; ones that we all have to learn to deal with in our lives.

Imagine walking into the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream that you are craving. Your husband steps between you and the refrigerator and says, “No, you cannot eat ice cream now.” You reach for the door anyway and he moves your hand away and firmly repeats the no. I don’t know about you, but my blood would begin to boil.

Toddlers face this type of issue throughout the day. They set their sights on something and set out to do it. Mom and Dad assert their own opinions and get in the way of the toddler's pleasure. It's the first time they are feeling these powerful emotions and all hell breaks loose. They are surprised at the depth of their feelings and often so are we.

Sure, it is possible to avoid constant temper tantrums and that is to know your toddler's hot buttons. What sets him off? Being tired and hungry are two of the universal reasons why toddlers have a lower tolerance for someone foiling their plans. Knowing how to read his signals and making sure he is well rested and fueled up throughout the day will keep him emotionally stable, but there are those inevitable times when you will have to say no and he will have to learn to deal with it.

Let him scream, cry, and throw himself on the floor. He will get over it soon enough on his own. A child cannot be reasoned with while in a full-blown emotional outburst, so don't waste your words at this time. His brain actually releases the "flight or fight" chemicals of norepinephrine and adrenaline, making it nearly impossible for him to hear or pay attention to you. Stay somewhere within sight range, although you can turn your back to avoid giving him more attention than he needs.

Probably the most-dreaded of all tantrums is the public tantrum, especially in stores where people, who pretend that they have never seen a child act in such a way, shoot you disapproving looks or tsk-tsks. Ignore them. Be firm in your resolution of the problem by removing your child from the store if you are able. Being in the middle of the checkout line ringing up your order makes it more difficult, but you already know that you cannot stop a tantrum with reasoning or getting angry yourself, so finish your task and then then leave the store.

What your child learns from these episodes is that the result is always the same -- we leave the store. Mom does not give me what I want just because I scream and fuss. After that first public episode, you can institute the pre-shopping pep talk about where you are going, what you are going to do, and what you expect -- no fussing, crying, screaming, tantrums, or whatever terminology your child understands. With little M, now 16-months-old, I often include a visual with my pep talk that includes waving my hands in the air and pretending to scream, so he gets the idea. Luckily for me he has a good sense of humor and seems to enjoy my little pantomimes. His outbursts are much less severe and shorter in duration than they were two months ago. He's definitely learning by experience, which is the goal.

Do not give in to a tantrum, as this will increase tantrums over time rather than decrease them. If you feel you've made this mistake in the past, it is never too late to start fresh and to be consistent going forward. Once he has calmed himself down, you can acknowledge this by saying something along the lines of, “I'm glad you are feeling better. Are we ready to play (or whatever the case may be) now?”

Tantrums can be scary for toddlers and it helps them to know that everything goes back to normal after the storm has passed. Getting upset yourself will only increase your child's level of panic or anxiety. If you feel you must say something, you can say (above the roar), “when you are ready/feeling better/done being upset, we can play/go to grandma's/fill in the blank."

Trying to avoid temper tantrums by always giving a child what he wants will only delay the inevitable. At one point he will erupt in anger and frustration. Would you rather him learn to deal with strong emotions at two years old or see him grapple with this issue when he is 10 or 16? Let him learn that it is okay to have powerful feelings and that life goes on once he has experienced dealing with disappointment and frustration.


Nanny's Note: I chose this photo because it looks so much like Little M (at about 13 months old) that it is hard to believe it is not him! I may be biased, but I think he's a cutie!
Photo Credit: istockphotos.com

My Turn, Your Turn

No need for lengthy explanations on the virtues of sharing. These few simple words will help your baby understand the concept of taking turns.

When I ran weekly parent-child playgroups, the single Little Tikes slide was a huge draw. A throng of impatient toddlers would push and claw their way to the little plastic stairs. All it took to calm the crowd was a basic repetitive announcement:


Sara’s turn

Charlie’s turn

Mia’s turn


If one little trailblazer still tried to push his way to the front of the line, all it took was a pair of adult hands on his shoulders providing gentle resistance and a repeat of the turn taker's name. Soon all the toddlers got into the excitement of waiting for their turn and would gleefully chant whose turn it was.

This technique can be used with your baby during everyday tasks. Grabbing for the toothbrush or wanting to do things by themselves can be tempered by announcing turns and keeping them brief. It’s amazing how quickly children learn the concept, and how little they fuss as they wait because they understand that after her turn, it will be “my” turn.

Once children begin to come together at playgroups and playgrounds and they ultimately struggle for control of a toy, parents can be caught off guard and feel a little unprepared for toddler aggression.

Armed with this simple phrase (my turn, your turn), you can be the parent who steps in to save the day!

Photo Credit: Janis Gonser